just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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