you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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