I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
