Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
