it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
