The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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