You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
