I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
