just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
