Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Randomize
