happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
