I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
