Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
