apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
