i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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