i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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