My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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