Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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