Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
