So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize