Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
