I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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