wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize