Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
