He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
