This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
In other news, I just burned my penis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
