I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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