Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
