I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
