shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
