My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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