i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
