Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
