you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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