that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
