someone threw a dead crab at me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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