Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
