Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
