There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
