Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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