Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
