dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
