I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
