So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Randomize
