My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
