i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
