waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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