your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Randomize
