My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
