Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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