He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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