oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
