New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
