We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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