In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
