The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
