Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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