It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
